I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
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Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.