[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
#FunnyLife Insects
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.