Word!
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*