My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story