My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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Thrilling chase underway
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?