Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
oppen heimer style lol
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
and now we wait
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!