Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!