Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”