ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
thinking about a very short hotdog
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.