😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
choose your fighter
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
me irl
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers