therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife