If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
You Might Also Like
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol