Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
subtitles are so good nowadays
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Care for your back
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“you recording!?”