Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!