*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
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Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.