Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕