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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Investing in beetcoin
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?