I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?