nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Every work meeting this week
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.