Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Chicken bread
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
#oldknees
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭