Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.