DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?