PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.