I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Batman v Dracula
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.