Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Stop sending me this shit.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario