“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Happy Friday
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.