The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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I want what they have
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*