SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
No point crayon over spilled milk.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting