air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Strange
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*