[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Peace was never an option
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.