My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
that’s really how it is
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word