Accurate
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
i will not be silenced
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Practicing safe sax
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade