When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
LMAO.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.