[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter