“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
OH. COME. ON.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.