me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.