colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My love language is hissing.