I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no