In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.