If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.