I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.