[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
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[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor鈥檚 dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I鈥檒l call you an ambulance.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I鈥檇 be Michelangelo
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 馃檪 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I鈥檝e never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
i don鈥檛 always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*seductively eats two tums*