If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
mechanics be like
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious