I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
You Might Also Like
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.