*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Good morning.