Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Yes, but it was never about money
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.