[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
sin harder.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated