Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
All. The. Damn. Time.