Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.