It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Lmaoo 😂
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this